Shinjitakunai.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: After losing the most important thing in his life, can Yuki move on from his four walled sanctuary of an apartment?


Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine...blah, blah, blah..you know what's supposed to be here...^o^   
  
Shinjitakunai [I Don't Want to Believe]  
By Yui Miyamoto  
  
  
Again, I found myself on my desk with a cigarette in my mouth. Blowing the smoke away, I continued to proofread my latest book. But soon, this grew boring.   
  
  
Or rather, irritating with impatience.  
  
  
I got up to pace around the room.  
  
  
"It's too damn quiet." I monotonously said to myself. "I can't believe I miss that annoying voice of his."  
  
  
Shaking my head, I went to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Keeping up the resolve I had always had, I huffed about the room...until I saw his cup. That annoying cup that he had used ever since he moved in here.  
  
  
I made myself coffee and sat down on my desk again. But stupidly, for some strange reason, I had automatically taken that annoying little cup with me.  
  
  
And so everytime I tried to write a sentence or drink a sipful of coffee, my eyes would avert themselves to look at his cup.  
  
  
"I can't believe this." I ran my fingers through my hair with another cigarette between my fingertips. "Of all the things!"  
  
  
I took his cup into my hands and almost threw it on the ground to keep it from irritating the hell out of me. "Even when you're not here, you're still annoying!!!"  
  
  
Then, I calmly put it down, holding it for a bit. Shutting my laptop, I ran away to the recesses of my cold room. I plopped down on the bed with a mocking smirk upon my face only to find that the pillow I was hugging was his own.  
  
  
"Damn pillow!" I threw it across the room and again laid on my stomach on the bed.  
  
  
I couldn't cry.  
  
  
Of all the people in the world...I couldn't cry...for him.  
  
  
On the nightstand beside the bed, there lay that note that I wouldn't glance upon for about a week after I had read it. With calm fingers that wanted to shake in anger or in anguish for I didn't know which anymore since I had such mixed feelings and actions towards him, I again read the note with his pathetic excuse for human writing:  
  
  
"Uchi ni kaeru. Sagashitakunai, Yuki!!!! - Shuichi"  
  
  
"I'm going home," I read to myself. "I don't want you to look for me, Yuki!!!! Shuichi."  
  
  
I turned over and looked up at the ceiling as I placed the dog-eared paper back on the nightstand.  
  
  
Our fight was still ringing in my ear and in my mind. That horrible whining still persisted on being existent throughout this house...  
  
  
"I just asked you a simple thing, Yuki!"  
  
  
"Uruse!!!" I shouted back in a harsh tone and turned to go back to my laptop.   
  
  
"This is the way I am and you can't change me!"  
  
  
"I don't want to change you, Yuki." He ran in front of me and grabbed my shirt shaking me lightly. "I am just asking you to be a bit more gentle. I can't handle this anymore."  
  
  
"Why?" I gave him a look of indifference, but still, I waited patiently for an answer.  
  
  
"Because sometimes you're very mean."  
  
  
"That's the way I am. I'm blunt." I turned around again and walked towards my laptop.  
  
  
Instead of the usual, "But Yuuuuki!", he turned around. He clenched his fist.  
  
  
"Fine," he said in a serious tone.  
  
  
I thought this was going to be one of our usual fights since it seemed like it at the time.  
  
  
It wasn't though.  
  
  
And I wish I had seen the sign...  
  
  
"AAAHHH!" I screamed as I got up from my bed to pace around the room and smoke again. I found myself walking all over the apartment not really knowing what I was looking for.  
  
  
"This is going to drive me mad."  
  
  
Then, I saw it. Instead of calming myself, my resolve was fading away. The faulty exterior of a mask was falling off my face and crashing onto the ground.  
  
  
There I saw the broken picture frame that I had ignored for a whole week.   
  
  
The last thing he had touched when he left me.  
  
  
The shattered glass pieces hung around it as if they couldn't break away though they had already been broken.   
  
  
And that haunting picture looked back at me as if it were teasing me. Wanting to torture me even further with our smiling faces as he made a victory sign towards the camera for the final kill.  
  
  
Without discretion and immune to pain, I bent down and kneeled on the floor. With my back to the door, to the outside world, I hugged the broken frame to my chest. Though I could feel the blood trickling down my fingers and hands while piercing my body, I continued to hold it for dear life...  
  
  
The tears that I couldn't cry, they were gushing out slowly as the red substance warmly ran through my shirt and dripped on the floor along.  
  
  
I couldn't even say his name, but now I could. "Shuichi...stupid..."  
  
  
"Stupid...stupid...stupid...stupid...me."  
  
  
I guess the minutes I had kneeled there had been hours because early in the morning, there was my conniving little brother knocking on my door again.  
  
  
Knock, knock, knock. "I know you're in there, Ni-chan! You can't hide from us forever!"  
  
  
Soft bang, soft bang, soft bang. "You'll drive yourself insane if you don't come out of there, Ni-chan!"  
  
  
"I...don't...care." I seethed through my teeth still hugging the beloved picture frame.  
  
  
Trying to crash through the door again, Tatsuha had no luck this time either.  
  
  
Shaking my head in denial, I continued to cry the tears held back for so long.  
  
  
The tears that I wouldn't let the world see, even to myself had broken through the wall that had blocked them...  
  
[flashback]  
  
  
"Uchi ni kaeru. Sagashitakunai!!!! -Shuichi" he read aloud as he wrote the note with his chicken scratches that he called writing.   
  
  
He slowly got up from the bed thinking I had was still sleeping. But when I heard the door close, I waited about a minute to go and run after him.   
  
  
I wish I had not waited..  
  
I wish I had not let my pride get in the way...  
  
I wish I had called him back...  
  
  
At that moment the elevator opened, my eyes widened to find him crying and disillusioned as he crossed the street.  
  
  
"Pay attention!" I shouted even though the apartment building's front doors were still closed.  
  
  
But he couldn't hear me.  
  
  
"Yuukii..." I could see his lips say.  
  
  
And a second after I got out of the building, there I had clearly watched him, as if by slow motion, get hit by a car...  
  
  
I don't know what happened after that though because I think I've temporarily forgotten...  
  
  
"If I stay here," I whispered silently to myself as the banging of my door grew louder along with the telephone ringing off the hook again, "he's still alive. He will come through that door and still come back to me whining with his..."  
  
  
I sobbed and cried even louder. "With his annoying voice and say, 'Yuuuki!'"   
  
  
Finally, with an almost inaudible voice, I said, "Shuichi..."   
  
  
And even tighter, I hugged the picture frame as it pierced more than my heart.   
  
End  
  
--  
Author's note: I had planned to do something else with this, but it came out like this. Yesh, I know Yuki's OOC, but that's all right. ^^;;; Hope it was okay! I like this though.. 


End file.
